Grandma O'

We visited my Grandma today in her lovely group home. She recognized me as family, but was very confused. She did not know who Elayna was. She slurs her words, and I am sure she has had multiple strokes (Remember she has Afib (atrial fibrillation) which is an irregular heart beat--this makes the heart more prone to clots. The blood "swirls" in the heart, becomes stagnant and clots. The heart then beats, and those clots can travel to places like the brain, causing multiple strokes.) Grandma can not be on Coumadin due to her INR (bleeding times) going extremely high (most likely due to the mass on her liver).

We did not put Grandma through all the tests--MRIs, biopsies, chemo, etc. The quality of life would have been extremely poor if on chemo. My thoughts are she has had multiple strokes, has cancer which has spread throughout her body, and all of this is combined with dementia.

All though her condition now is so sad, there is some personal comfort for me because she believes she is in her old house, thinks my Grandfather is living, and is not in pain. She's not mean at all, yet very confused and very hard to understand at times. She has lost a significant amount of weight and can not walk.

My Mom continues to suffer as well during all of this. My Mom has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She suffers from nausea and has lost a lot of weight. She holds herself personally responsible for my Grandmother's problems. I think her whole life Grandma has blamed my Mom for things, so naturally, as she did before she became so confused, my Grandma blamed my Mom for everything--"making up her diagnosis," "spreading lies," "ruining her life," "taking her from her home and friends," etc. My Grandma has some amazing qualities, but being a loving and supportive mother to her daughter was not one of them. This is the honest truth.

My Mom broke the cycle with me, and I grew up in a very "Leave it to Beaver" kind of childhood which makes me the adult and mother I am today. My Mother did it right, and I did not know the life my Mom led with my Grandmother until I witnessed it first hand. My Mom did not want to influence my relationship with my Grandma. Then when I started asking questions, as it always does, the truth surfaced. Thank you, Mom, for sharing all of that with me, it was not easy for you.

My Mom and I love my Grandmother unconditionally even though she was unable to provide the same love back to my Mom. As Christians, we must not judge, but love and pray for her.

Still a childhood of abuse is not overcome that easily, and my Mom struggles daily with the wounds inflicted by a woman who was never accountable for the treatment of her daughter as a child.

Still, God is amazing, and has placed love and acceptance in both of our hearts for my Grandma. We visit her often, hug, and kiss her. We are there for her until God takes her home.

I love you, Mom and Grandma. May we experience the peace only He can provide during this trying time.