My Grandma is really gone. No matter how much you prepare for a loved one's death, it is difficult, sad, exhausting, and like a kick in the stomach.
I feel on the verge of tears all the time. I have my ups and downs.
I am so glad I was there to hold her in my arms during her last hours of life. She knew exactly how I felt, our love was very strong and real. I have no regrets. I have always been connected (as has Nick) to people older in age than ourselves. So, for my senior year of college, when most people my age were planning to go Cancun... I wanted to see my Grandma and Grandpa, and spent a week with them in Sterling, IL. I stayed in my bedroom at their house, which never changed during my childhood and into adulthood. I knew I was graduating college and getting married. I wanted that one on one time with my Grandparents. We spent so much time talking, laughing, looking at pictures, eating eggs with pepper (my favorite breakfast!), and learning about my history. I told them how much I loved them, what they meant to me, and how deeply they touched my heart. It was an incredible week, one that I will never forget.
I didn't realize the hurts in the past between my Mom and her mother. My Mom protected me from all of this and fostered a great granddaughter-grandmother relationship. I thank her so much for this. I never knew, until recently, the pain. The past came alive again last year in the mind of a woman with dementia and brain cancer. It was a trying time filled with guilt and tears for my Mom. Yet in the final hours of Grandma's life, I believe amends were made by God's grace, and both can be at peace knowing they did the best they could under the circumstances provided. God's love can overcome anything.
As we cried and hugged my Grandma as she died, I saw my own history... my cheek bones, fingers, eyes. I saw my Mother. I saw my childhood and adulthood... presents on the bed, every summer at Grandma's running barefoot in her garden, making coasters and sewing, helping with her amazing dinners, getting ready for church together in the downstairs bathroom, sitting on my porch swing and listening to Tania Tucker, singing, catching lightening bugs, walking in her high heels that were too big for me, wearing her jewelry, remembering how she clapped (inside joke!), falling asleep as my parents and grandparents laughed together... sweet, sweet memories.
Grandma, you are with those who went before now, at peace. No more pain, no more suffering. All wrongs are made right. There is only love. Rest in peace, sweet Grandma. I will never forget you. Please tell Grandpa O'Brien I love him and to keep watching over me. I love and miss you two, wait for me...
Love,
Shorty
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